I don't fit in.
Welcome to the club.
And I'll tell you straight off the bat, however you feel right now: however awkward, however outside the circle, however misunderstood, you have two choices.
Choice 1:
Your first choice is to live your life trying to fit in.
You will achieve this to some degree.
You can act the same as others and be accepted into “the group”.
You can wear the same clothes as the majority of other people.
You can listen to the same music, even though you don't like it much.
You can eat similar takeaway food, hang out at the same malls, take up the same hobby – and then change hobby when something new comes into trend.
You can choose to hold the same opinions, follow the same politics, unquestionably.
You can treat other people in the same way.
You can follow the same life route: go to school, go to college, go to university, get a job, buy a car, get a mortgage on a house, save a pension, get married, have kids, take a holiday abroad each year… retire.
Choice 2:
Your second choice is to be yourself: to embrace who you are and to accept that you don't fit in, to accept that you are unique and that it's a blessing.
And here's the thing…
There are so many others out there like you, but they chose the first choice, so you'd never know. They suffer in silence.
The question is…
Is the suffering of the first choice, which is being trapped inside a life that doesn't fit, worse than the second choice, which is always feeling different and never quite understanding why the majority do what they do, make the decisions they make, act the way they act, and follow along in a seemingly robotic manner?
The Good News
The good news is that you typed this question into a search engine on the Internet and discovered this article.
This means that you already understand that Planet Earth doesn't seem like a place where you fit in.
This is good because it means you won't spend the next 20 years wondering why you don't feel quite right, why you're struggling to adapt, why for most of your life you feel like a fly on the wall observing the world go by and trying to make sense of it all.
Following the crowd is the easy way out, but long-term it's a bad decision. It will never bring you contentment.
If you spend your life trying to fit in, then you are just floating along in the stream. You have no control over your life and its direction. You will be carried along like a piece of debris.
For some people, fitting in is something that makes them happy. They are happy to adopt the majority view, the majority trend, the majority culture.
That's great for them, but if it doesn't make you feel comfortable in your own skin, then you shouldn't do it.
Be uncommon. Be different. Be unique.
But don't be different just to be different; do it because it's what you genuinely feel.
When you agree with them, agree. When you like what they're doing, do it. But when you feel your intuition pulling in another direction, make sure you pay attention.
Expect Resistance
It's easier for your parents, your teachers, your friends, your bosses, and the powers that be if you just fit in and follow along.
People who ask too many questions, who don't simply accept the status quo, who want to evolve and make the world a better place can be an annoyance to those who simply want to follow along and have a quiet life.
You will make things hard work for others. You will make them question themselves.
Following along is less risky. It comes with a number of guarantees. But most of these guarantees are materialistic and are of little concern to Mother Nature, or your spirit.
Going your own way could mean ridicule at times, being gossiped about, ending up frustrated, broke, alone. But the price of not trying is far greater, believe me.
Follow your dreams, ideas and ambitions. Never let them steal the child in your heart.
But don't isolate yourself.
You can be the uncommon one amongst the common crowd, and remain sociable, likable, compassionate, kind, and loving.
They may reject you at first, but only because they are yet to understand who you are; because you aren't like them.
And eventually they will look up to you, appreciate you, and even become like you.
Do it your way. It's the only way.
Upon your deathbed, you won't ask yourself; “Did I fit in?” but rather; “Did I give it my best shot?”
John Watson says
Hi Alfred,
When I’ve been feeling particularly “down” from the realisation that I rarely fit in, I’ve done a casual search on the Web and, unsurprisingly, have found bits and pieces that sort of helped my short-term thinking but then fizzled just as quickly.
I’m going through another “episode” right now. For some reason I’d never searched using the words, or similar, “I don’t fit in”. So I never found your blog, until today. On what I’ve seen so far I think your words are going to be helpful to me. I’ll be 62 this year and the truth is I’ve always felt like a misfit. People have been telling me this since I first went to school aged 5. As you’ll appreciate, they haven’t told me directly. It’s been by their observations or actions.
There have been many instances of this but one memorable one was when a friend at school (at least I though he was a friend at the time) told me I should go and find a friend elsewhere. Today I have friends and a couple of good ones, but they fit in (or at least appear to) with mainstream society whereas, despite endless attempts, I struggle and usually end up feeling as I do today, i.e. a failure because I can’t fit in no matter how hard I try. But then I read your helpful words about choices 1 or 2. I need to pursue choice 2 but have never really worked out how I can do that without feeling cut off and lonely, missing out on what others enjoy seemingly with little or no effort.
I’m hoping your words will help me to go with option 2. Thank you for what you’re doing.
Alfred James says
Hi John,
I’m glad you finally stumbled across this article.
I don’t think you should try to fit in, but I also don’t think you will end up lonely and cut off if you do that. You probably don’t realize it but I’m sure your friends love you because you have unique qualities. As I point out in the post, these friends most likely look up to you, appreciate you, and over the years have probably even become more like you. I’m sure if you had this conversation with them they’d tell you that. And it’s better to have a few good friends you really connect with – who understand you – than loads of associates who don’t value the real you.
The fact you’ve not felt comfortable fitting in your entire life means you have a greater purpose than doing just that. I’m guessing you still have a lot to offer others in terms of knowledge and guidance and you should put your energy into that. So many people feel the same. So many people want to break through conformity in some way and be accepted for doing so, but don’t have the courage. Maybe you can find a role in the community to inspire such people. I think you might just find your niche there.
I wish you all the best.
Kelcy says
I am the same x
Matt David says
Thank you so much for this article. This is my life story. I never fit in. I question things and people get upset. I don’t believe in the status quo either. I desire to grow in love and to make the world a better place when everyone else just wants the world to get back to normal.
It is a great feeling to just be me. But it can get really lonely.
Alfred James says
Glad you found it helpful, Matt. Keep following your intuition. The world needs people who challenge the status quo, now more than ever.
Abigail W says
Gosh, what a great topic. I thought I was nearly the only one…
As someone over 50 and single, I became very aware of what is popular now. I saw people describing themselves on dating sites as “fun”. The word, “fun” is used over and over, but it seems to designate one of two things, drinking alcohol or having casual sex. It’s like some requirement.
If you tell someone on a dating site that you like astronomy or history or geology, they won’t talk to you. So I read what’s popular. Golfing, drinking, gambling, a boat, more drinking, fast food, movies. How can people even relate to anyone on that level?
Maybe I’m too intense for them.
I just want to know as much as I can, while I am here. I’m not a snob, but most people bore me.
Alfred James says
I think a lot of people are in the same boat. They are afraid to say they are into something left field, particularly if “society” attaches a certain stereotype to it. It’s much easier just to say “socialising” or “movies”.
Wildwelshflossie says
Ooh, the word ‘intense’ resonates. My new puppy is massively intense and everyone will spend a short amount of time with him, but then walk away. He’s so inquisitive, friendly and energetic, he saps the energy from everyone around him. My cat, on the other hand, absolutely goes with the flow. Everyone loves the cat and wants to spend as much time with him as he’ll allow, before he saunters off. I wonder whether those who eagerly look for company have a tendency to push others away due to their exhausting enthusiasm, whereas others who couldn’t really care less but are nice to those they meet, draw others towards them?
Abigail W says
Good insight. I think a lot of people are looking to fill an agenda. Someone to give them money, attention, etc. But not so much for relationships. I’d say most people do not seek out relationships or anything heavy with regular social encounters. So maybe the people who are like cats don’t present with needs. If people think you are looking for relationships or anything long term, they fly away. Probably because most people already have what they want.
Elly says
Yes. I get what you are saying. Often, people can’t be bothered talking about anything that’s not superficial. As if feeling or thinking intensely is abnormal and to be avoided.
Abigail W says
I agree that it’s lonely, but the alternative is to have to act around others and adopt their likes and ways.
I can’t do that, I did it when I was younger, and now, I wish I had that time back. Funny thing is, those people ended up getting exactly what they wanted in life and are happy.
Alfred James says
Those younger years are all part of the learning journey; they are not wasted. There’s still a long way to go 🙂 It’s great that you know yourself and feel comfortable being who you are now. You still have many years to enjoy being you. Maybe those people you grew up with seem happiness and perhaps they are in their own ways, but I’m sure like so many others there are things they wish they’d done or had the courage to do now. People tend to accept and settle into wherever they end up at around 40-50 years old. But actually that’s when the majority of us begin to truly find ourselves.
Abigail W says
But it’s too late then. Most people, I’d say 95% are paired up. Single people are an anomaly after 50, unless their partner dies.
So all of the people saying they didn’t want to “lose my freedom” or “be tied down” actually hooked up with others, after all.
I never took that seriously, because I heard it a lot on dating sites, where someone hadn’t met me or even saw a photo of me. But I always wonder how the women get the men to get into a relationship with them, when they clearly state they do not want one.
saturn shines says
Agree. Always heard men put down women who wanted to get married or have a relationship. They’d say they didn’t want to lose their freedom. But now everyone is married. How did that happen? It seemed like NO men wanted to marry.
Or…we were told the divorce rate was 50%…so how come almost everyone over 50 is married???
Christopher says
I like this. Thanks for posting.
Alfred James says
You’re welcome.
Georgieanna says
Are people who don’t fit in considered to have a “Social Disorder”?
Alfred James says
Perhaps some might try to put you in that box, but that’s probably because they don’t understand you. Some people just aren’t into the same things as everyone else. For some, not all social norms feel normal. Some of think, act and view the world differently. Embrace being unique 🙂
S says
This is just what I needed to read right now !!!
I’m ok with not fitting in,
but it can sometimes be rough in a world that misunderstands and judges.
I feel resentful.
And it’s hard to find situations that feel right for me.
S says
I am commenting again.
Thank you for this site.
I felt confirmed and relieved, as I am set on being just me.
I also related to other people’s posts.
Alfred James says
Hey, I’m glad you found the posts and they made you feel better. Keep being you! Have a great day.
S says
Thanks !
I hope yours are nice too.
Torc says
I have mixed feelings about not fitting in and being ok with it but mainly it has been a thorn as of late, which led me to do a search on the topic and to this post.
In most aspects of my life, I have just accepted not fitting in, being too unique for my own good, being into things few others are, or at least the only one in the areas I have lived. This changed when I got back into hardcourt bike polo and has been the source of both enjoyment and frustration.
Bike polo is as much a sub-culture as it is a game and the problem is that I’m not part of that culture but greatly enjoy the game. The way the members of the club react to me is best described by the following quote: “Mostly I’m treated with a kind of mild neglect as if I were a stray dog or an unwelcome guest.” That is the hardest for me to deal with, shrug off, or find a way around. Even when I have had a good day playing I leave the court feeling depressed and frustrated because any attempt I make to contribute to or interact with the members goes nowhere.
And not fitting in really sucks when you have no one you can talk to when you need to figure these situations out or have a sounding board to bounce these kinds of problems off of.
Andya says
I felt different since all my life and I guess people around felt it. All my life I struggled with loneliness. It’s seems no one really cared. I was invisible to my parents, my brother, people of my age, everyone. My childhood and teenage years were so long and sad. As I grow older things changed a little because I played others games to fit in. But I wasn’t happy and it didn’t brought me any true friendship or love. Now I’m 47. After a bad relationship that lasted 14 years, I finally understood life from another perspective, my truth, my perspective. A perspective a lot of people don’t understand, don’t want to understand or aren’t ready to understand. I’m different from the others. I still feel very lonely but I’m much happier now that I understand the good sense of life. Ever though I tried to fit in, in the past, it wouldn’t work for me. I wasn’t true to myself. People wouldn’t love or like me despite the fact I was playing their games.
I wish be surrounded by people like me. Sensitive people, true people, who love and respect people. People who understand and truly believe that love is the only important aspect of our experience as a human being. I’m talking about the love we all have in each one of us and never goes away when it’s true.
Anyways…..
Thanks for letting me share.
Elly says
I know what you mean when you say you have felt different all your life. I have spent my life on a periphery – not comfortable in my own skin. Wondering why I am deemed and feel like an outsider. I guess it’s because people are uncomfortable with my discomfort. Late in life now, I have tried to stop looking for what is ‘wrong’ with me for not fitting in because that has always left me feeling inferior. I feel sad and as if there is some truth that I have been excluded from. But I realise now that trying to fit in and not succeeding, hurts. And it’s worse than trying to accept myself as I am. All the best to everyone here.
Alfred James says
Spot on Elly. And there is only one of you and only ever will be one of you. That, in itself, is special. Have a wonderful day!
Paul says
An explicit assumption in articles like this is that everyone has friends and can get dates. This is false. I have a few acquaintances but nobody I consider a friend. I have also – obviously – never been on a date or gone to a party. I am not afraid of rejection – as some may jump to advise – I’ve never expressed interest in or asked a woman out because I’ve never sensed I have enough in common with her to do so. My interests don’t include ‘popular’ topics – sports, movies, contemporary music, TV, celebrities, etc., and a lot of people consider my hobbies to be very academic and therefore boring. Although my solitary situation bothered me when I was younger, I have basically accepted that I will never have a real friend – and certainly never a girlfriend.
Jon says
Hi , i am 17 throughout my teenage life ive embraced self improvement and I have become self aware to a great extent but it’s gone so far that I don’t fit in with anyone anymore people dislike me and instead of authentic they see me as weird and the problem is this leaves me isolated and lonely , though I find comfort reading blogs like this and stories of similar people , it’s really hard to live this way in a society where u need to be liked by someone who is in authority for merit and there’s no way my family would like me if i stop following my religion tommorow or my friends if i don’t conform to norms . My main point is it’s impossible as a non conformist to live in this society without being either completely isolated or people calling u names and making fun of you till u fit their defination of normal and society even labels such rebellious reaction to society as mental ilness and yeah its been difficult
Angie C says
Hey Jon, I agree that it’s very hard to feel a part of general society when there are so many people who are afraid to be their authentic selves. Media and societal norms are constantly demanding that people be fun and exciting and clever – and that is just so unrealistic and damaging to our mental health. You are still so young and all I can offer is that as you get older, things usually get better and less demanding, because we all get tired of, and run out of energy for, being someone we are not. I reckon there are a heap of older people asking themselves ‘why the heck did I waste my life/time on all that fake materialist rubbish?’.
Hang in there – you’re not alone! I wish you a path to contentment.
Alfred James says
Wow Angie, this really hit home: “…..because we all get tired of, and run out of energy for, being someone we are not.”
Sam says
Choice 1 is the one you are taught to be. From the home to school and work. We are taught to be social, to accept out lot.
When we don’t we are ostracised, pushed to the side, ignored, last to be picked, laughed at,made fun of. This makes us wary, well me anyway, to get too close to people. I do not want to be reminded of the pain I have felt over the years. I guess multiple moves and school changes did not help, closing in on myself. ‘don’t make friends coz you’ll move’ . Becoming the weird new kid with odd hobbies, never fitting
Choice 1 is too ‘Stepford Wives’, however there are months where Choice 2 feels just as bad.