It's weird how…
the anxiety and the fear usually do more damage than the outcome.
Perhaps…
- A relationship has come to an end
- You are being made redundant
- You have to move apartment
- The weather might mean the big day is called off…
These things are out of our control.
But a wise woman once gave me some great advice on how to cope with such situations:
Can you control the outcome?
Is this in your hands?
No.
Well let it go then.
Feeling like you have no control when a situation is affecting your life in such a profound way can be really difficult to cope with.
It can take you to breaking point.
There comes a point where many people slip into depression. Some turn to alcohol or drugs, others just simply run away.
It takes its toll on your mental health.
But before you get to that point, you have to let go.
You have to accept that this is happening, or has happened, and that there will be a future beyond this, as long as you're still alive.
It's an easy thing to say, particularly in hindsight.
But logically, if you think about it, this is the only way to move on and give yourself a chance at being happy.
And a lot of people don't move on.
A lot of people live their lives through the lens of “things would be so much better if only X hadn't happened”.
But this is your life. Bad things will happen.
And these things don't always turn out as bad as you think they will.
In fact, if you can centre your mind for a moment and think back through your life at the many great challenges you have overcome, you will see that good things did follow the bad.
These catastrophes (at the time) led to many life experiences that you enjoyed, or became a better person for.
Indeed, there is growth in these experiences.
The One Thing You Can Always Control
We can't always see the woods for the trees, which is absolutely understandable.
But how much of your mental stability you invest in trying to control a situation you can't control is up to you.
So really, when you think about it, there is something that you can control here.
You can control how much you let this situation control you.
This thing is going to happen / probably will happen, but might not be as bad as you think, or as bad as it could be.
So accept that it is going to happen. And accept that there is going to be life after this.
In life after the event, you will have control over things that happen:
You will be able to set the direction and the pace of change. And as much as is possible in life, you will be able to choose the pathway that you walk.
Learn to Control the Mind, Not the Uncontrollable
We don't get to control every aspect of life.
Indeed, some could put forth a very good argument that we don't control anything.
But we can control how much we let something affect us.
The mind is very powerful and it takes a lifetime to learn to tame it. This is part of our personal growth journey.
We have to learn to understand our mind's trajectory: how we respond to situations and why we respond in a particular way.
We know that our thoughts and feelings and the subsequent behaviors that arise are a result of life programing from a very young age.
All of our negative and positive experiences are stored in our subconscious mind and these dictate the way we respond to life on a daily basis.
However, if we can recognize these negative thoughts and feelings when they begin to creep into our minds, we can take action to pre-empt and control the prevailing behaviors and outcomes.
The Bottom Line
If you're experiencing a situation at the moment where you feel helpless, like something is slipping away from you, or that you are being subjected to something that you can't control – let it go.
The worry and the fear is likely to damage you more than the event itself.
Because all the worry and anxiety in the world is not going to stop it happening – either in full or in part.
And you don't even know how bad it will be.
And if it is as bad as you think, where will your life be this time next year, or the year after?
You simply don't know.
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I want to caveat this post by saying that if you are being affected by abuse such as bullying at school, abuse at home (physical or mental), you do not need to accept or let this go.
You should absolutely reach out to a teacher, the police or a good friend and seek the help that you need to get away from this situation and have the perpetrator dealt with.
Catherine Nasskau says
So important and useful to remember all these things, especially at the present time. It is useful to notice the power of the automatic thoughts that pull us off into the future, so we can put steps in place to help us stay in the present, which is often more pleasant than our imagined future!
Pratapachandran K says
During this time of Covid-19, global pandemic, levels of anxiety are high. Your article is a panache for troubled minds. It will help many. May I share it with the needy.Thank You.
Abigail W says
This is helpful. I feel terrorized in my own body. If I think about these things, I feel I will lose my mind. I have had several serious things go wrong with me right in a row. Sometimes, it feels like death is easier than constantly living and having to deal with bad stuff. My life is pretty alone and I work hard, but I feel like a lot of people have it easy. If there is a god, he is surely playing favorites.
Lillie says
I feel the same life has been a nightmare since way back when just a little child, didn’t ask to be here, but have been trying to go through life, no love do I know from family etc married , now that I’m older , was Jesus even there, when only 10 years old when molested, and the beat goes on, so much, dervastation , so tired , feel so BAD, question is WHY
Virginia says
I’m very tired, but have to say to that ending, that it’s obviously not intended to be unhelpful. Abused and bullied people often have no friends. They’re not crazy, so they don’t need a psychiatrist. The police aren’t designed to help such people, and aren’t capable of helping them in most cases. The lives of bullied and abused people are often characterized by having no choice but to “let it go” to whatever extent they are capable, because the “perpetrators” are legion. It’s often not simple as we like to think, but pervasive in many people’s lives. This can even lead to homelessness or other serious consequences for the people in distress, so I hope you and the seemingly hundreds of others who write rather shallowly on this subject, are actually very expert, even though not able to direct people in crisis to real help. I’m really wondering if there is any such thing as help for most beat-down people. We don’t like to face all the violence, learned helplessness, and societal cruelty that is actually occurring.